The day is short and the nights are long. The cold bites in your fur. It is the tundra, the cold. Air that chills your lungs and burns your throat. You love it, you live for it.
The mud that squelches beneath your paws, sinks into your toes and stays. A craving for the home. The human world wizzes by never making sense, for you are made for the cold wilderness. The mud splashes your fur. You are home and free.
Hunger and survival are your gods, here you are meant to take and give to this world.
I once asked my father, hoping for some insight and advice. 'What do you do when someone dies?'.
The answer is nothing. You do nothing.
Its true. When someone dies what can you do? sit and wait, stand in your grief and die as well?
Really it boils down to you have to move on. Whether you want to or not, there is no option of stopping. You have to keep going.
Last month, June 28th, my partners father died. I think now about this advice. It feels like the world is strange and new. Thinking that someone who I knew and saw very often is now absent from the life I inhabit.
Of course the road to his death was very long and full of pain for everyone. Full of hope and waiting, good news only to be met with the option of death only.
He died before he made it to the hospital. His soul and life gone, just a corpse strung along to play the part. Once he woke up it became apparent. He was gone.
I think this was one of the few times I had seen my partner cry, and one of the few times I had cried so much I couldn't move. Its pain and grief. The mourning on my end must be over. I pray that whatever his last moments where, had only been good ones. That his soul is carried far into the other side and enjoys whatever he wills.
My fathers insight runs true. At some point someone must step in and finish the grief off. Currently that person is me. I grieve, but I must play the role of support and caregiver. I can be sad, but I must be done crying, so that others can have support so they may shed tears for him.
As I write this, worst always has happened. I wish to some degree, it had not been drawn out so long. I wish that they do not see him the way he is now. Playing being alive. A corpse sitting and breathing.
It is the death I do no wish people to see. The kind in which that they are no longer there. Eyes open but empty. They do not respond.
One day I will have that death too, I see it. I've seen it. I wish no one will see these deaths. No one who wishes to remember them as alive.
Its the reason people hide children away from death.
I have requested that they shouldn't see him as he is now. However, for the mother and the son, it was too late. She saw him first when he woke. The worst time to be there. She will need the most support. I offer all I can for them.
That is one of the roles of being me. I will be the one who collects tears, and mends things when needed. I will be a courier for them, and will ensure they do not stop and die as well. I cannot let that happen.
I think that is one of the hardest parts of death. That lack of community, those who will help to ensure you are fed, clothed, warm and cleaned. Someone to ensure that you in your grief are not in turn dying.
Time, it ticks by.
Click
Click
Every hour, passing slowly. Passing fast when I don’t look. Now days it’s all I have to look at. The clock on the wall. It was a gift from a dear friend from not that long ago. I’ve kept it. I could bear to get myself to throw it away.
Click
Click
At least I’ll always be able to keep track of the time. Only a minute behind. Hands slowly following each other in a series of never ending circles. Day in, day out. Never really going anywhere. Stuck in place, but always still moving.
Sometimes, late at night, when darkness falls and the city goes to sleep.
Click
I think.
Click
About what I plan to do with my life, but the answer is always. “I don’t know” I have never known. It strikes me now, that I still don’t. Even as my life nears an end. I wasted it. 20 years on earth and I have nothing to my name.
click
click
And here the clicking comes back again.
Its a count down. At least to me it is. Tomorrow my 24 hours will be up.
Authors Note: I originally wrote this during my first relationship. These are feelings I did not share to my partner at the time. Being aromantic this peom means a lot to me and I continue to constantly rewrite this one, and copy it on new note books.
I thought I never understood the concept of love.
A language I could never speak
a test i cannot read, even though I had studied my materials.
I thought I would never be able to love someone ever.
broken, not meant for the society I was raised and studied for.
When I am with you; just being you.
I feel like I do understand love and how to love.
it something that comes with breathing to you.
second nature.
I do not feel this breathe, this nature.
i crave to do so. crave to feel the way you can feel.
i understand i love,
and so i think i love you
I’m draped over this bench, it's been days. I think. A quiet garbled voice is heard over the intercoms. I let my hand fall to the ground, the ground below is smooth although it's caked in grime. I pull my hand away with a shudder. Disgusting. Slowly I begin to sit up, my bones and muscles ache in protest. Who knows how long I’ve been lying down. The room is green and I can hear the sounds of machines, loud and clanking with an occasional whooshing noise above. The lights here are yellowed with age, it reminds me of the subway stations at my hometown; wherever that might be.
The longer I sit on this small bench the more I feel at home. The tiles while covered in grime are unsurprisingly covered in papers, lost flyers and wrappers from food. This place reeks of mildew. The scent fills my nose and makes my eyes water, I could probably cry if I wanted to. Letting out a sigh I sit and wait some more. An invisible wind billows and smothers my face. It carries the reeking stench. I hear the garbled voice again, although this time it's clear and I can understand it.
“The train comes around again, in 1 hour,” Train? This is a train stop? I peer around looking into the open ceiling. A labyrinth of pipes hovers above me, and the occasional lamp wire, I see no signs of a speaker. I stand up ready to move out of the way of the passengers of the train. I’m going to wander this place, for surely it can’t all be as covered in dust.
Surely this is not where I have to wait, It feels rather unfair. To wait in a grimy shallow building, only to wait for an equally grimed-up train. In some corners I could see the dust build-up, surprisingly I couldn't find any crumbs or mouse droppings. I jiggle my leg, I’m impatient, at least the tram will arrive soon.
I comb my hands through my hair, it's rough. I pace around the small station. I’m trapped, but I think I’m starting to come around to it. I’m like a mouse who has accepted its fate in the face of a snake. My limbs are taught from sitting so long, and I feel weary. I try to rub the fatigue from my eyes. I rub until my skin burns raw. I’m tired. More tired than I’ve ever felt in my life.
Sometimes when I was young, when I was this tired, I would crawl to my mother and sleep in her arms. This is a first, I think to myself. Memories flood through me. Up until now, I’ve never had a thought like this. Its disorientating, like I’m living in someone else's body, and my brain was shoved into theirs, only now I suddenly remember I had a childhood, a mom. I quickly start walking, I do not want to stay here, not like this. With nothing but thoughts, its hard to ignore. I pray the train arrives sooner then expected.
A quick rundown of the small area tells me that there is nothing that resembles stairs, however I do get a better look at the room. Its dimly lit, with various degrees of grimy layers. The pipes and rails are half rusted. The floors grip my feet and let go with a loud squelch.
It's dirtier than I thought.
I hear a distant noise, it's like nails on a chalkboard. I pause any movements and await its arrival. I hold faith that it is not something to bring me my end. I catch sight of it nearby the worn-down bench, that was my home for a day, as it screeches its multitudes of wheels. The tram is bright chrome. Its clean sterile-ness is strange, and it bears no marks of stains or rust. Out of place in this station.
“Train has arrived, all boarding board now,” The loudspeaker once again garbles to life. I look up trying to see where it comes from. I peer at the train, gripping the railing to upright myself, the train has bright lights one currently in the window. Hurriedly I make haste for the doors, but I quickly stop once I reach the first window. Bright orange light shines through. It cuts through the musty lights. Inside I spot strangers' shadows. They hold drinks and laugh, it’s a party in there, I can see them spilling drinks, eating food. It looks warm, and the couches seem comfy. Is this it? I think to myself. Is this where I am to go? My short life here on the small platform, while dirty and full of muck, it was strangely home-like. This sterile steel monster before me, holding out its warm friendly contents like an angler fish holds out its light.
I feel rage bubble through me, I spent so much time in this disgusting place only for it to be just a party on this train. This party, which feels superficial, somewhere where who I am, who I was, what I did, doesn't matter. I refuse for this to be the end, how could I wait so long or something so simple. I want to yell and hit the tram, but I know that it will not respond to my pleas.
Perhaps I am meant to be the prey of the angler fish, prey to the snake. To be left from this world, to live in comfort and my days filled with pleasure.
Authors note: can you tell when i wrote this and when i wrote the last post i had a theme going on? this was for a short that had to be more descriptive of a place over telling a story. i super enjoyed this one and plan to come back some day and work on filling it out more.
I watched as the chrome train passed by, it stopped in front of me although I did not leave the short yellow bench I was sat upon. For this was not my train. It never will be. It comes around all the time and we’ve been playing these games for weeks. I’ve been here for a long time at this point, my surroundings are covered in grime and dirt. Everything is an ugly shade of yellow cast from the dim lamps above. I don’t plan to ever go onto the train, it is far too crowded for me. When it arrives here you can see the bright yellow lights filled to the brim with people inside. They laugh and chatter and drink their wines in warmth. I sit out here, in the dingy short room, I have no need to enter a party like that. Far too loud.
The room is littered with posters peeling off walls, I never bother to read the ones far away. I know I am surrounded with out of date war propaganda, and ads for defunct companies that no longer exist. I bury my head in my hands, I want to weep, the urge is so strong. Unsure why but I let out a tearless dry sob. As if on instinct I stop and my head shoots up. I let out a groan, there's no one here, I can snivel and snot up my face as much as I want.
I let out a shaky sigh, as once again the train roars back into the station. It's always the same train. Never the one I want to get on, it's not my stop. It won't ever be my stop. The trains yellowed windows pass by me, tempting me to join the parties, the drinking, the crowds. Part of me longs to join, to get lost in the crowd. Most of me resents them, they sit in fancy lounge cars, while this place sits and decays to time. I let out another sigh, not as shaky as last time. I watched as the silver and red striped train leave.
Dust settles around me surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, it doesn’t make me sneeze. Most of this dirt doesn’t affect me. When I first arrived here I was lost, and frankly, I still am.
I know I have to board the train, but I don’t want to find out what's on the other side.
Part of me wants to know what happens if I leave this subway station, the stairs.
I softly sigh, I think I’m done sighing.
Shortly the train stops by once again, no one usually leaves the train, it stops and opens it darkened doors and then leaves after two minutes. This time is no different, but I stand up nonetheless. I follow as the train leaves, I have no intention of hopping on. I have decided that I should no longer wait, I’m feeling impatient. I will wander this small station, see what other options are offered for me.
Wandering the direction the train leaves I see empty trash cans thrashed about, contents spilling out, papers flying everywhere. The lights here flicker a little bit, a sense of unease fills me. The air feels colder here. I peer down at my shoes, a sense of habit I am unsure of where it came from, the ground is filthy, yet no one comes to take care of this station. I am surprised the lights still work. Hollowed wind filters through my hair. Hope fills me, something about this train station feels unnatural; this wind, it brings me a sense of home, of safety.
Perhaps this is where I am meant to go?
Sometimes when the train takes longer than usual I think about what awaits me if I did hop on. Would I be welcomed into the lights, the noise, the crowd? Would I be able to enjoy the party? Would the looming threat of what's next engulfing me? The thoughts stop once the bright train stops by again, and the same thing occurs when the train stirs the air once again. <- cut bit from draft I wanted to include!
Walking into the darkened corners of the station, I can see more crumpled papers and thrown about wrappers.
Dipping his paintbrush into the liquid set up below him, he swabbed his brushes against the large canvas before him. A mixture of red hues.
It was his favourite piece yet. The liquid often ran down the painting, after all it was thick and heavy. Red was always his favourite color, so was painting apples.
Mae walked along the train tracks, wandering around. Much like her thoughts.
Often there wasn’t anyone around here this late. After all who would want to hang out in such a place.
The trains would come every hour, Mae had just missed the last one.
This would be the perfect place for a body.
Mika was afraid, she knew this would be the end but not like this. Her muscles ached, she was hoping it would be an easy day.
Her fellow classmates stood in shock beside her, the scene in front of them burned into their brains.
People screamed from the crowd, it was a losing game.
